Words that a perfectionistic person without patience hates to hear

LIFE IS A PROCESS

UGH

Lately it has been incredibly hard to just be with the process of life as it’s unfolding.  I want to rush through things or better yet stay in bed and ignore them.  I find that I am incredibly moody and often ready to snap.  Not very yogic I know but it is the straight up truth.  I think part of me is beginning to notice how BiG things could be and I want to shrink back from it.

This brings me to the above logo.  It’s an update for SOBA YOGA ™ for which I am now asked to write in all caps emboldened and with TM after it.  Yes I have begun the rabbit hole which is speaking with an attorney and starting the trademark process.  Just saying that here makes my current headache a little worse.  It’s exciting, don’t get me wrong, but life these days feels

SO GROWN UP!!

UGH AGAIN

It is no secret that I have prided myself on thinking, acting and looking (cheeky I know:) much younger than my stated age.  I still live in a rented apartment not just because I couldn’t afford a condo on my income (very true) but also because I have never been interested in setting those kind of roots down.  I like the idea of being in an apartment that rents month to month in a city I love that is full of people who are innovative and artsy.  I have never been the woman who wanted the house in the burbs with the white picket fence and the two car garage with 2 kids (boy and girl of course.)  If that’s your life I love that you love it.  For me, it would never have worked.  I more pine over a passport with lots of stamps.

This…this is why I think I have such a headache these days.  It’s not so much about all the work I am doing for the relaunch of SOBA YOGA ™ in my hometown of Somervile, MA but it is the fact that all that I am doing these days is about the most settled roots I have put into the ground throughout my life.  Creating your own business is like having a baby.  I don’t have passport stamps at the moment because I am putting what little money I have (and then some) into building my wellness business.  All my energy is focused in the direction of building something that is going to grow at some point.  While I could walk away at any time (which I couldn’t exactly abandon a child legally or ethically,)  I don’t really feel that this is an option with my business either.  There comes a point where things become more than an idea and that point is now.

This all makes me feel like my head is exploding and this overall feeling of nausea rising.  Why is it so hard to commit she asks herself.  I am not exactly sure.  I am definitely a person who has the ability to commit given that all my jobs have been long term, but I generally end up commiting to things that I know from the get go I don’t want to be committed to.  It’s SUPER grown up to actually commit to something you WANT.   God I feel like such a child saying this but it’s true.  It’s really hard these days to focus on what I am doing because what I am doing is building something bigger than I have ever built before.  It took me 2.5 years to figure out what I wanted to build (and it’s still evolving for sure) but I would say it’s taken me that long as well to get up the guts to follow through.

This summer I saw an old supportive friend who I haven’t seen in quite a long time.  It was lovely to meet with him.  What he said to me is coming back as we chat he said

“Stephanie you have grown up so much.”

Yes.

It’s true.

I think I may finally be an adult.

Who at times does think about having a child.

And other times is so grateful I haven’t.

And yet here I am with a baby who has been born and is growing.

It’s been REALLY hard to stay in the moment in this process.  I cry all the time.  I feel so vulnerable these days which is not familliar and is not comfortable.  When I’m on the verge of snapping at someone what really I am on the verge of is an emotional breakdown.  Yet somehow I keep getting through it.  Like right now as we are chatting, having tea at a cafe and I stop the chat for a moment to wipe a tear.

It’s OK.  It’s ALL OK.

Tranformation is not easy.  It’s like saying growing up is not easy.  We all know that but when the growing pains come they can be overwhelming.  My head wants to figure everything out.  My body wants to lay on the couch and watch TV until April.  My spirit knows it needs to keep growing.  I need to make room for the growth and know that I will always be ok.  Always.

Just chatting with you today and letting myself cry already has broken up some of the tension.  I thank you for that.  Clearly you know better than me what I need sometimes.  Creativity blossoms when I can give myself space to feel all the icky feelings within and then let them go.

What helps you honor the process of life?  What do you do that makes the process of living easier?  Share your thoughts below.

Cheers to honoring the process of life.  And cheers to SOBA YOGA™ as it moves from becoming an infant into toddler phase.  Like any good kid, I have a feeling it will be running at full speed ahead very soon so let’s take a breath and be here now!!!