These days life is like a mish mash of intensities. On the one hand some of the same BS keeps occurring. Recently in a post on my Soba Yoga Instagram account I said that the BS feels like the disruptive kid in the back of the classroom who is constantly trying to annoy you. He’s throwing paper airplanes at your head, pulling your pig tails and at his worst, ridiculing you by calling you names. He wants you to feel as badly as he does. The teacher, she is trying to ignore the disruptive kid because she would rather condone his behavior than deal with the conflict. This is the BS in my life. I get to either be like the teacher or like the kid who ends up getting into trouble for the trouble makers’ actions or the nerdy kid who is too busy going over his homework to even notice what is happening around him. Those of you that know me know that I can easily be in either of the extremes but these days I have been the total nerd; nose to the grindstone and working like a fiend.
I have been working so hard that it feels like life has become a bit tornado like. But instead of destroying all the beautiful things around it, the tornado is spinning off all that doesn’t fit.
I MEAN EVERYTHING
I have begun to feel this surge of confidence. It’s been growing for a while now. But something just really clicked recently. It feels like my fear has spun off in the vicious storm. Things that I would have worried about before are of little to no concern now. I am not even sure who this person is. In most ways it feels super exciting. In some ways it feels overwhelming. As we sit and chat I continue to be astonished at this shift within myself. My mind, it still thinks small at times. It’s almsot like it can’t take in the magnamity of it all. It has been too affected by the limitations it has believed for too many years. It is having a really hard time taking in how BIG things actually could be. It is amazed at how things seemingly are falling into place. At the same time it is overwhelmed with this process, it also wants it to go even faster. I feel like the kid on the amusement ride who is so caught between fear and exitement yet wants to it go faster and faster. We so never make sense; us humans. We want what we want how we want it and in the exact timing we want it in. The Universe it laughs and says
“Sweetie, breathe, have tea and slow down. I have this one. We will do this together, you and I. But you have to trust me. It will happen when the time is right. Only when the time is right…. because I love you.”
As I hear this, I exhale and tears coming streaming down my face. (Literally as we sit for tea, now, I cry and breathe and exhale.)
Believing and trusting in the timing of my life has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I am an achiever. I work hard, shit happens. That is the only equation that has ever made sense to me. It has a bit of “the American dream” to it which I know is bullshit but still I believe… I work hard, shit happens. Trust in spirit, higher power, Universe, God….that is the stuff that I struggle with. I know I am being taken care of. I see it all the time. But truly trusting in this is not easy. It means that I have to step to the ledge and breathe in the fresh air. When I think of this the Cliffs Of Mohar in County, Clare Ireland come to mind.
One of the most mystical places in Ireland. Breathe….take in the magesty and believe.
This weekend I found out some information that could take my yoga project, Soba Yoga, to a whole new level. Soba Yoga has been my baby. But in some ways I have been it’s baby of sorts. The yoga project has helped me grow in ways I could never have imagined. It is only because of this yoga project for recovery that I have been able to begin a recovery from a life long patten of playing small in service of my fears. As I confront and move through my fears, the project moves to a new level. Each time I move forward a little, we move forward a little as a community. I love my Soba Yogis. Their healing is my healing. It feels like we are one organism moving together as we breathe in and out.
For today, say goodbye to your fears. Write them a lovely Dear John letter saying how much you appreciate them being there to protect you at a time when you despretely needed it and then let them know that you no longer need their services. My fears about not being stepping out on my own helped me stay on track and to cultivate the skills needed to fly. My fear helped me to financially support myself during critical years of my healing. But now, they are telling this this story that is just not true. If I continue to believe them, they own me. If I say
“Because I love you, I need to say goodbye”
then they begin to nod their head in acceptance and step aside. Try it and see how much your fears appreciate your acknowledgement and allow you to be the confident beautiful you that is standing behind them.
Cheers to being free to say goodbye to your fears! And in the words of David Spade…..
Looking for some support along the way towards wellness? Come meet with me in my office in Watertown, Ma for a consultation. Contact me