My friend…I hear this song will be playing at your services so I thought I would post it here. In this space where I will honor you in the best way I know how. Through words written in love. Oh Jesus here comes the water being shed. I seriously debated whether I would chat about you at a cafe full of the energy of people being creative and or in solitude. Of course I decided that this chat needed to happen at home with my blankie around me and a cup of hot cocoa. You know me….I’m like you….we don’t do well with people seeing us being vulnerable. And yet these days I haven’t worried much about that. Thank god for age and healing. Who cares what people think, right? We are all human and we all feel.
Your spirit has been around me for the past few days. When I sit and am quiet I can almost hear you telling me “will you just get out of that house. Go out. Enjoy your life for crip’s sake.” And yet I need this space. This time. I can feel you as I sit to chat now. I wonder how you are doing; where you are. People like to say you are in a better place. We don’t really know. The idea of you being up in the sky with a white man with a beard who probably is really dark skinned is strange to me. As you know it’s hard for me to think in those terms. Your body maybe somewhere but I know you are right here beside me, behind me, all around me. I always felt that about you. There has been physical distance but you were never far. I always knew that. You were just a Facebook like away or a wise ass comment or a picture of a dog or baby doing something funny. You were always there. Always.
I have reflected a lot lately about you, about life, about my life and how I am currently living it. Ever since I saw you last Tuesday my mind and spirit have been preoccupied. As you know, I have been going through a very tough time and approaching a new chapter of life. It’s exciting and scary and nauseating at times. Letting go of the old has not been easy but when I struggle with it, the Universe seems to shove me out the door. Kinda like you would probably do. Ha ha. Just this past week I was all “will I, won’t I, when will I” and the Universe was all “um now.” Just like that the shift occurred to make space for something new. Man I am telling you that the feisty part of me can reek some havoc! You my friend, always loved to laugh at me. Calling me a whirling dervish and smiling in love stating “just go to Ireland Steph. Just leave. You know that is what you want. Why are you even here?” You always had a certain calm inside you that I know didn’t come by easily. Those that possess that sense of knowing always have it harder than others. Oh how I know that.
Ah a moment’s break of this tearful tale to put in a plug for the old dopamine fix… Oh ya my brain has just registered the chocolate and it’s going
“Oh yeah baby….that’s what we need. Give us more and more and more.”
And that’s what it all comes back to….the PLEASURE CENTER, right? LOL
Oh man did I need that….ok back to our regular scheduled programming….
In my reflections recently I think about the days when you knew the last breath was coming; when we met at your home in your home town. We talked about the field, yours and mine, and shared our common feelings about the direction things have gone and what is now needed to bring us back to center. Mostly I think about the last moments of our visit. When our eyes locked and knew that there would be no more moments. In that moment, right there, everything aspect of the Hollywood drama that I have been dealing with completely fell to the floor. It was as if I was a snake and my skin just shed. The details of my current situation were not even a concern. The only thing I could feel was love from your eyes to mine and my heart beginning to break as I felt your hand grasp mine.
Our last words were
I love you
Forever changed I am.
I enter into this week knowing it’s possible that the details of current stressors could arise again. They may even get uglier because that’s what these kind of things can do as they fester. Yet, it’s all so meaningless.
Last words are often spoken about in the midst of a conflict; much like the one I have been in. I, like you, am Italian American. We know what it means to need to have the last word and to make that damn word a powerful one. No one knows that better than an Italian that’s for sure! I have been known to be at fault in that scenario more times than I can count. Yet as I reflect on our last words, I am struck by the words that truly matter in life. Love and courage are two energies that remind me of what you embodied. You were a pillar of strength for many and a beacon of loving light for all.
In the end, the last words that matter are not “I am right and you are wrong” but instead those that touch your heart with love. A long time ago someone told me “Steph you can be right or you can be happy. You choose.” The facts bear on my side but I haven’t been very happy for quite a while. As I move forward I will let the facts stand for themselves as I turn my attention towards cultivating love and happiness.
My friend, I love you. You told me that I am brave but you my friend have been the bravest. You went through a lot in your lifetime and when you would share details you never did so seeking pity. Your life was what it was. You didn’t waste time wishing it was different. Instead you would pull the ‘ole bootstraps up and keep to steppin. This is why we bonded so quickly. No time for whining…there’s life to be lived.
To my fellow “rough tough cream puff” I will say so long. Not goodbye. Not because I think I will see you in the clouds at some point but because I know you will always be right around me….much like my blankie is now. Your love is like a hug from Grammie. Always and forever.
And to all of you chatting with me today, don’t focus on getting the last word IN but instead focus on making the last words COUNT. We never know when those that have touched our lives will be leaving. For crip’s sake we never know when we will be leaving. The daily struggles may get you locked up, much like myself lately, but try to remind yourself that they really are meaningless. What matters most is love.
I leave you with the song that was playing on the radio when I left my friend the night of our last words. It encompasses spirit, love and the meaning of life. I wish you all the best that life has to offer and the skills to let go of things when life is not.
Life is short. So spend your time living and loving.
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