It’s a gorgeous Columbus Day weekend. So many trees around town are like this one…in transition. I stopped this afternoon captivated by its beauty and couldn’t help but see the my likeness in its leaves. Each leaf gorgeous and shimmering in the sun. Each leaf knowing that change awaits and not exactly sure which day, which hour, which moment that they will turn from a beautiful rich green to a mirculous orange, yellow or red. The change is imminent and innane. They can’t choose to change or not change. That decision is not in their hands. Their change of color is only the beginning. Soon after they will be blowing in the wind and the tree will be bear to move through winter on it’s own. Sound familiar?
If you are reading this you are most likely a lot like myself. You are in some process of transition. To be human is to be in transition. Some are marked by age like my little bro turning 40 this month (seriously we are that old? We SO do not act it that is for sure:) Others are marked by other changes in the physical world such as buying a house, getting a new job/leaving a job, getting married, having a baby, etc. Still others are more of the subtle visceral form such as confronting demons and darkness within, celebrating emotional releases and letting go. As we discussed in our chat Being a Badass mine has been more of the latter. Literally as we speak I am in the process of confronting a change that could bring me into a very different place in my life. One moment this feels liberating and almost simulatenous to that moment comes an internal scream that says ….
I will drown, I will sink, I don’t know how to swim (literally)
And then the next second goes like this
OMG that would be SO freeing
I would get to be myself without the feeling of having to apologize for that.
How amazing is that?
This goes on and on. It’s like I am in this very cheesy commercial where I am standing in a field with my hands holding this precious dove. The wind is whipping around blowing my very big curly hair all around. No wait a minute I think I am by the sea. Yes I am on the beach. I smell the ocean now. My toes are digging into sand and the dove is in my hands. Cue this amazing song by Josh Groban
I begin to open my hands and the dove flies. Josh Groban is singing “hold your head up high, don’t be afraid…you will never walk alone” The dove is flapping it’s beautiful wings and I begin to scream at the top of my lungs
NO COME BACK
And the dove keeps flapping it’s wings soaring up above and Josh he’s singing…..
“WALK ON THROUGH THE WIND, WALK ON THROUGH THE RAIN, OPEN YOUR HEART AND YOU WILL NEVER WALK ALONE.”
Me…I am crying like a baby first born. Like I literally was just torn from my mother. I can barely breathe and then the sea wind whips my hair, I hear the waves crashing up against the rocks and suddenly my lungs expand. I am no longer gasping for air.
While this is EXTREMELY dramatic…any of you who have gone through a transition know that often this is EXACTLY what it feels like. Josh Groban, doves and stabbing pains of being without the nest you knew to be safe and secure.
For me the transtion I am going through represents a similar pattern as it often does. When we are making a change it is often because the pattern which was once useful is now only causing pain. The nest I am being ripped from, while having some sense of security, never felt quite safe if you consider the deeper origins of such a word. In the concrete world I am changing venues but in the more subtle realm I am going through a rebirthing process. Becoming a whole person who no longer has the need to be fragmented and afraid.
Let me say this again because I am not sure if you heard it and because I don’t think I really have….
I DO NOT NEED TO BE
FRAGMENTED AND AFRAID
Phew. That is a lot to take in. When we allow ourselves to be reborn so to speak we are allowing ourselves to be the self we never fully met before. It’s kinda like that scared kid who is ackward and shy suddenly gets up on stage and becomes free to be him/herself. He/She stands up and sings, or dances or starts smiling for no apparent reason. Oh the freedom that comes over that young child.
We are that young child. We deserve to be free as well. Maybe we want to all hug the awkward kids we see who are struggling because we ourselves feel like we could really use that hug as well. We yearn to give the nurturance we know we despretely need. Give yourself that hug that you want to give to that little kid. Give yourself the nurturance you so despretely need. Being in transition is so hard and so so freeing.
For me I feel like I am on the precipise of being ME. If this is the self I couldn’t find before well the journey was worth it. Feeling the fear and doing it anyway means that today I put the big girl pants on and keep to steppin. One foot goes in front of the other and soon I am walking myself out the door and into the next.
Coming back to Josh’s words (yes we are friends…of an intimate sort….ok that’s just in my head…move on) we are never alone. Let’s say this one again too….WE NEVER ARE ALONE. Even when we feel like we are alone we most surely are not. Our problems are human problems. They feel personal but they are far from it. They are not unlike the problems other people are having. They just feel so painful because they are occurring within us. But if we drop the story that we are telling ourselves about our pain we realize that actually the pain is just energy. The more you feed the story the more intense the pain gets. When you let the story go and drop out of your head, you realize that the pain is really an illusion. It’s part of the story you tell yourself about who you are. It’s very Hollywood. That is what makes the movies…Duh It is drama. Once we say the words of Mary J. Blidge
NO MORE DRAMA
Suddenly we feel ourselves coming back to planet Earth. It is all just energy which is intensified by the story you are telling yourself about who you are and what is happening to you. There are other lens to look through; other versions of the story to tell.
We are not alone because we are all here on planet Earth going through very similar pain just different stories to tell. We are also not alone because Spirit is all around us carrying us along the way. Whatever I need to face this week, will be soon a story of the past. My work is to get outside of the version of it that I have been telling myself that only creates more pain.
So go ahead….Walk on, Walk on….let go of your pain and experiences your dreams because….
YOU ARE NEVER ALONE.
Looking for some support along the way towards wellness? Come meet with me in my office in Watertown, Ma for a consultation. Contact me