Lately things that have been going on for some time are coming to a head. As with any bubble that is about to burst, it becomes more and more challenging to manage all the crazy emotions that float around inside. During a discussion with a close intuitive (code for psychic:) friend a theme came up that is something I have been working with for a while. What might that be?
As things grow bigger lately, my fears have been creeping up with the same intensity. During one Fall cleaning frenzy it felt like it became time to break out this guy…..
Drum roll please…..
Interesting that you have yet to meet Brown Bear because at one point he was the one in my life who was larger than it. He was gifted by an old friend but his depth quickly grew beyond that connection. Brown Bear….much like myself….has been international and has flow far and wide. He recently was resurrected from an old box (coughing and sputtering I am sure. Actually probably muttering some four letter words.) I had been thinking about releasing old energy. And then a little voice spoke up….
NO NOT BROWN BEAR…NOOOOOOO
And so it was wtih a feeling of heart strings being tugged that he came out of hiding and was placed in my living room. On more than one occassion (many actually) I have wanted to curl up in the fetal position on the couch and hug him. My best educated guess is this….
I have wanted the meanies to GO AWAY. I have been reminded of how I felt when I was young. I was attacked by some random girls in high school who didn’t like me and wanted to hurt me. Those feelings have come right back up.
In fact I have been brought backwards in time a lot lately. Back to a time that still lives inside me.
I have struggled with self esteem on some level throughout my life. When I was young, I was quite shy (stop the snickering those of you that know me now…it’s true:) I was quiet and insecure. I wanted to be a part of the cool club so much in high school that it separated me from relationships that were far more grounded and real than the ones that I went towards. I wanted to cheerlead (I know, I know) but I did and I wasn’t chosen and it hurt. A LOT. I wanted someone, anyone to notice what I couldn’t….that I was enough just as I was. That I didn’t need to be prettier or smarter or cooler. That I was actually super freaking cool just as is. But I couldn’t see that. I felt small. And in turn I was. In fact that’s a role I have played since then…..
I know why this has been. The reasons why are deep and painful. They are related to details of the past that I have worked on leaving behind. And yet as it is with healing…the remnants come up for clearing when you haven’t fully worked through them.
In the movie, The Holiday (chick flick…watched a million and one times) one of the main characters, Iris, played by Kate Wislet plays the role of the quiet insecure woman who is in love with a co-worker who plays with her heart. She befriends an older man while visiting LA, Arthur, and the two become friends. During a deep discussion one night Arthur speaks to her about playing small. He says…
“…This is not a hard one to figure out. Iris, in the movies we have leading ladies and best friends. I can tell that you are a leading lady, but for some reason you are behaving like the best friend.”
My friend was speaking to me the other night about how right now it is time to allow myself to grow BIG, To be the leading lady. To be the Hollywood starlet. Not from a place of Ego but instead from a place of owning my own light. This is such a different place for me to be. I think the messages I got from being a social worker and a therapist played right into the messages I believed about myself. You don’t matter all that much. What matters more is taking care of other people. Your needs, wants, feelings need to take a backseat because you are here to serve others. At least that is how I heard it. And I believe I wasn’t far off.
I think putting myself on the back burner and putting others on a pedastal has been a life long pattern. I can’t remember a time when this wasn’t the case for me.
As the Universe and spiritual growth would have it, this pattern is busting WIDE open. This summer something occurred that began to help me let go of playing second fiddle to others. Letting go of this dynamic has helped me feel like I can breathe deeper.
Currently I am being challenged to do the same thing on a more all encompassing and deeper level. Letting go of the current conflict and the dynamic of needing to play small to suit others’ needs is coming and fast. On the one hand I am SO OVER and on the other hand it is the only thing I have known. Realizing just HOW PERVASIVE it is is a little overwhelming. Nothing is going to really change in my life if I don’t realize my own self worth and fully embrace it with both arms hugging me like I hug my Brown Bear.
What am I afraid of? It’s hard to say but I think this quote from Marianne Williamson in a Course of Miracles speaks to it better than I can….
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves ‘Who am I to be brillient, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so others won’t feel insecure around you. We are meant to shine as children do. We were born to manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
WOAH….YUP LADIES AND GENTS THAT IS IT! As I see this pattern in myself….I see how it is deeply connected to where I want my career to go. If I want to help others be liberated from fear and live their brightest, shiniest, happiest life possible than I have to be willing to go there and do the same.
So it is with the deepest of gratitude and tears welling up that I say…yes, I see you and yes, I love you….JUST AS YOU ARE. You are enough always. We are ALL enough ALWAYS. We don’t have to measure up to anyone else. In fact our meanest enemy is within. If we let go of the mean mommy within, we are free to fully LOVE who we are unconditionally.
Notice just how wonderful you are right here, right now. Be willing to embrace who you are in the present moment with all your imperfections. Become willing to allow your own light to shine bright knowing that when you dim it for fear of standing out too much you are not just hurting yourself but you are hurting everyone around you; especially those that need a power of example for courage and confidence. The Universe doesn’t make mistakes therefore YOU were NOT a mistake. You are here to shine. SO RELEASE YOUR FEARS OF BEING BIG AND SHINE BABY SHINE!!