Keeping the Faith

Top of the morning to you all from Boston where it is gray and snowing.  Yes indeed, that it is.  Today we are going to keep the faith therefore we will all ignore the gray Monday here in Beantown and have faith that there are actually four seasons to our weather.  The past week and a half has been a world wind.  I must say the New Moon and Solar Eclipse we had a week ago Friday set me off and running.  Previous to that my head was a spinning with all the fears and insecurities that I carried for far too long.  Baggage that felt like it was constantly causing me problems everywhere I went.  That’s the thing about our Gremlins they are with us whether we are aware of them or not.  Just like the movie, Gremlins, they are constantly eating away at everything.  Just before the New Moon my gremlin was in full effect and then something shifted.  It was like that feisty part of me just spoke up for myself and say “Hells no…F you…I am so done with you telling me that my dreams are never going to come together and that I don’t measure up.  I know better than you so pipe the hell down” or something to that effect.  Taking a deep breath in, another step forward and off and running like a toddler who figures out how to walk.  I stopped doing the things that I was doing that were clouding my vision; things that were probably more related to my gremlin than I would have originally thought.  Pulling up my boot straps, sitting on the meditation cushion, things have begun to start jelling.

A little while ago we discussed addiction in our chat Strength and Courage Having this virtual chat with you was so key in the process of letting go of the gremlin eating my insides.  I realized in the process that these are awarenesses and feelings that I have had for some time.  It is not so much that I have never shared them but in the past I didn’t do so with action.  They were often only shared as angry gossip.  But in letting loose and just being me, a surge of confidence arose to the surface.  No longer do  I feel like my vision for my yoga project for addictions, Soba Yoga is some renegade idea.  As I stand up for what I believe to be true, I am beginning to see that there were always people waiting in the wings for this to occur.  People who never knew me but were hoping to meet me.  People who have been seeking an alternative when there was none.  People who desperately wanted healing within a society that told them they didn’t have to fully heal because there would always be a way that they would be able to numb. Shortly after I told that Gremlin off, I met some people who shared their gratitude, their tears, their happiness with me.  They told me about how they wanted to heal but didn’t know where to go.  They let me know that they too wanted to find their sangha, their tribe, their community but didn’t know where to look.  They wanted their community to be about joy, movement, happiness but found that everything around them told them that they would need to be attached to the past forever; that healing fully was not possible because they would never “recover.”

As I give less attention to the gremlin, he begins to whither away.  Last night, I had a potentially amazing situation occur that I believe only arrived at my yoga mat because of me waving goodbye to the gremlin.  It appears that the message that I have been carrying on my own, may soon be carried to someone who could help influence it’s message in a grand way.  Our gremlins are there because we were hurt.  They served as a way of self protection until they began to get in our way.  The only way to deal with the gremlin is to call him/her up to the surface and face them.  We all have them….these gremlins.  People with addictions often feel the burden of their own troubled past as if others who do not have substance abuse problems don’t carry their own burdens.  We are all human and we all suffer.  As we begin to reduce our own suffering, we reduce the suffering of others.  I truly feel as though building Soba Yoga, much like my whole career in social work, has been more about me seeking refuge and healing.  As I have healed, I have been able to help relieve others suffering as well.  Soba Yoga has become my savior in some ways.  Standing up for what I believed to be true was only the first step.  It really has been all the steps that have come afterwards that have taken me on the path to saying goodbye to my own insecurities and self doubts.

Believing in life as a spiritual process means that you show up continuing to step forward and the Universe provides the rest.  Keeping the faith has been key.  There have been months where I have taught one, two or three people at a time in the yoga classes; feeling at times as though I was a constant one woman charitable organization as little money came in and bills built up.  With each person that came, I would take a deep breath and be present with them; from there the gifts came forth.  Every person I have met along the way has been a gift whether I taught them alone or within a group.  They have all helped me stay on the path of my heart and to allow the process to unfold.

Keep the faith.  There is always a reason why things occur in the sequence they do.  It is much like yoga.  You can’t do backbends until the body is warmed up.  You can’t walk before you crawl.  Each step forward is a step in the right direction.


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