Yesterday I woke up in a state of general ma laze which is not very common for me on my birthday. The joke in my family is that after the holidays we begin to discuss how soon it will be my birthday. I tell people that it’s a day all about you so why shouldn’t you celebrate. For some reason I forgot this upon waking. For some reason double fours meant something different to me. The mind starts going, the pen starts writing, the tears start coming and the drama starts. “How could this be? But I haven’t had the baby I never was sure I wanted. I never married any of the people who were not right or came at the wrong time. I still have not paid for that degree I impulsively got and I can’t seem to figure out how to do that until I am a senoir citizen. I still don’t own the dog that I have wanted since I was little because I still live in this beautiful cheap apartment in the City I love that won’t allow pets (yes I said beautiful, cheap and the City I call home.) I have yet to live abroad again and/or travel to all the millions of far away places that my heart yearns to go. I have no idea how I will get my newest social action project and life’s passion to become self sufficient so that some of these things will actually happen. Oh and there’s that dreaded change of life that female friends older than me love to talk about. How many more years before that crap starts to happen? Why did I waste all those years being burnt out?” And it went on…so no need t continue. The sky was black, the world was ending and I was turning 44. Yes 44. In a day and age when women over forty are generally seen as “hot” women still struggle with many of the same issues they did before. I am lucky in some respects. I have been blessed with genes that make me appear much younger than I am. I also credit a lot of that to my diet, lifestyle and definitely to my yoga practice. But despite the external appearing different, the internal feels some of the fears that would appear to others as ridiculous. All my flaws, my fear come tumbling out of my head and into my emotions as I think to myself “so this is what you took two days off to do?”
After practicing some yoga, meditating and many tears later I felt ready to enter the rest of my day embracing the moment. With my hair done by my amazing hairdresser, I went off to have dinner with another fabulous woman over forty. As I sat today reflecting on my day I was taken by how quickly things can go south when we are longing and grasping for what we don’t have. When we don’t allow ourselves to fully embrace the beauty of who we are and what we currently have, we are left blowing in the wind like a leaf in the Fall. Reflecting on that I think about how many amazing things that I have in my life now that I once did not. My life is so drastically different than I ever could have imagined it to be in many ways. Career wise I am in a building phase of taking my passion and making it happen so to speak. (thanks Jennifer Beals I think maybe we will dance together in a little while:) For the longest time in my career, I felt like things were going astray. I started out with one idea and because of fear very slowly the boat charted off in a very different direction. There was much to learn from that and learning I definitely did. But it was only just two and 1/2 years ago when I realized that something needed to change or I may just hop on the nearest plane to Ireland and become an illegal alien. I knew at that point, if something didn’t change things could get drastic because I had had enough. As I look back over the past almost two years now since that transition, I am in awe. Even over the past eight months things have accelerated at a very fast pace. Meanwhile what I continue to struggle with is loving myself fully through it all. The perfectionist in me that struggles with recovery tells me that somehow things still don’t measure up. My life can’t be happy unless it looks a certain way. Even though I never wanted things to conventional in any way. Old habits die hard and being hard on myself is definitely that….an old worn out habit.
Today I reflect ahead and see that it has become easier for me to realize when things are working and when they are not. I don’t settle for second best at all anymore. If something does not feel right, it is out. Despite this account of my meltdown yesterday, I have an easier time cutting things to the quick rather than my old pattern of mulling things over and driving everyone else crazy with my mental chatter. I now know this to be true…..I will be going on a trip later this year to some place far off no matter what. The bills will get paid even if I eventually have to do something that Suze Orman would not support. (Man that chick scares me to death. Just picturing her face right now makes me shrill1) The kid….well he or she is lucky we never met earlier as I was way too ambivalent. Should we decide to meet someday, that’s in the cards for another day. I have always known that my life would be happy and fulfilled either way so there (clearly:) was never a rush to move in that direction. The people I never married, well that is good for us both. If the Universe wanted me to have married prior to now that would have occurred. I needed this time to come to the decision that it was me I needed to love first. I am very good at taking care of others but clearly there has been a path I needed to take to fully love myself now. I feel that I am closer to that place than I have ever been. That impulsive degree I decided to get from that expensive wealthy school is the thing that actually set me on this path. My accountant always tells me to not worry about the government. Should I die, they won’t get their money anyway:) In order to be happy now with who I am and fully love myself, I need to realize that all I need I already have and when the Universe feels I am in need or ready for something it will provide. Oh and luckily there are many dogs out in the world that love my love. We will share residence at some point when other things fall into place.
So for today, how will you love yourself fully? What treat can you give yourself that will remind you that you are worthy of all your love in this moment? For me, I will leave our chat letting it all go. The sands of time fell. Since there will never be any way to stop that, I will continue on living the good life and know that I am worth all of my love and then some!