These days I am pulled back and forth. My dilemma is a bit of a luxury problem. I have time to rest up and get well and yet the old nagging voice inside tells me that I should be doing something other than taking care of myself. It is my life’s story. The story of a woman who has been goal oriented since as long as I can remember. The goal always being achievement oriented until more recently. Now my goals vary in size and shape. These days my goal has been to just breathe. Just this breath. It seems again like a luxury problem but given that my body has been on shut down mode most of the winter and it has had difficulty healing I would say it is probably a wicked big goal to be honest. The above picture is a blanket my mother made for me for Christmas. It has been my blankie ever since. Lately, when not working I can be found curled up in it as I am at the moment. Today is my day off. A time when I usually am out somewhere writing, reading, mixing with the world. Today I laid in bed, went to yoga, laid on the couch, cleaned and now chatting with you. My mind says “you are becoming a hermit….it’s a good thing you don’t have cats…you would be that crazy lady” and my body says “mmmm I want more.” See what I mean back and forth, back and forth. My life’s work feels as though it is to learn the art of nothingness. There is no coincidence that I teach yoga as it’s the path that has helped me begin to just breathe.
Nourishment comes in many forms. Lately, I am finding that working on nourishing my soul has been my main job. I don’t believe in coincidences as you may have gathered so I will just say that it was divine intervention that my mother decided to make me this instrument of love, It is be just what the proverbial doctor would order (holistic doctor that is:) In stripping back the layers of things from the past this winter, I am finding that my intuition and ability to be clear is sharp as a thumb tack. I meet with people these days and see right into the heart of what is going on with them. I have experiences with people like I have never had before. And then my clarity comes into question by those who do not see with this lens and I am reminded again “Just Breathe.” Becoming clear has been a long process for me although I believe it is rooted in my genes. My Dad is a person who has the ability to see right to the heart of people. He is clearer than a lot of people I know but we won’t tell him that this energy is psychic; no need to freak him out. LOL (BTW he reads my blog, hi Dad:) Being this clear has it’s challenges because most people are asleep and would rather stay so. Egos get ignited when ever someone is able to know something so astutely. The ego can get triggered both in the individual who is clear as well as those around them who are asleep. While clarity or intuition is often called “a gift” it often does not feel as such. It makes living in the world more challenging mostly because of interfacing with those that don’t appreciate the truth or don’t want to see things clearly.
So what does intuition have to do with my lazy body? I am actually beginning to appreciate that slowing down and taking care of myself is helping me become clearer. While there seem to be things that do need to be taken care of, I have been finding that giving myself what I need in the moment eventually helps me get to the “to do list” at hand in a much more peaceful way. Generally my mode of operendis is to push myself and use every moment to be doing something that I feel is worthy in order to try to propel myself forward. At times this pushes me into a brick wall and has me becoming frustrated. These days I see that the inactivity is so integral to the activity. My intuition is rising because I am being kinder to myself over time. I am even allowing my mother to try to teach me to crochet. As you may be able to imagine this is quite hysterical as I am not the most patient person. Generally speaking I probably have gone after doing things that I excel at therefore keeping up with a needle and a piece of yarn that doesn’t do what I am being told it should do is not the easiest activity. I am told it is calming to the nerves…we shall see. I do however, see that the process is teaching me about myself and about life. One of my favorite books about life is “First You Have to Row a Little Boat” by Richard Bode. You have to start somewhere and that somewhere might as well be with your breath. Be still, be in the moment and appreciate what each moment has to teach you. The moments I am having these days are precious. It is in the stillness that we are able to grow. I have done more growing during my lazy winter than I have in a while despite the fact that I was outwardly moving quite fast all Fall. Life changes and moves. Allow it to move around you as you become rooted in your breath.
As I sign off, I will be off to do a couple errands and then settle back down to pick up the needle and the yarn and…..JUST BREATHE!