My writers block continues on and off so for today I have decided that writers need to write. What has this block been about a therapist might inquire. To that I would say…ugh the same as usual probably….perfectionism and anxiety about next steps. The trials and tribulations of being a person who sets the bar too high. And so it is….a discussion about FEAR. Fear of what you may wonder….my biggest is not much different than others….a combo of fear of success and failure. The double edge sword of a perfectionist. You can’t succeed without failure so instead you stay stuck. Well thankfully that stuckness finally motivated me to get off my duff and follow a vision that was created almost five years ago. Sometimes you can can stay stuck for a very long time and other times the Universe will present something that forces you up off your cushy (oh ya it’s cushy) couch and gets you moving. Well my friend the Universe did that about three weeks ago and moving I have been. The fire is burning and the passions are high. Yet still amongst all the excitement, planning, working, visioning, there still remains that little inkling of fear in the back of the mind. You know that little voice that doesn’t let you sleep. Ugh do I know that. But lately I have been working on trying to embrace that part of me that is afraid and wonder what it’s trying to tell me. And this is what I heard yesterday…..what if things end up going just THAT good? Huh, in the past my thinking mind was more attached to things not going well but now that things look like they are on the brink of being WICKED AWESOME, my mind has switched it’s tune to the dread that could come from success. Dread you say, what could be dreadful about succeeding? Well, if you are used to rebeling in a box, it can be hard to imagine stepping into the bright white light.
I imagine that this is quite similar for a lot of folks. As I was reflecting on where I am currently Marianne Williamson’s quote about fear from A Return to Love came to mind. It goes like this “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to manifest the glory of God within us. It’s not just in some of us, it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” DEEP THOUGHTS…. I like to switch out the word Universe for the word God. Just my preference in referring to the divine energy within us but you get the picture. It’s a profound quote that is often referenced; most likely because it rings to true to so many of us. I have played small for a lot of my career while rebelling against establishments that I didn’t agree with. It wasn’t until more recently where I realized that it has been me that put myself into these boxes that I have been fighting to get out of. What might it be like if I just accepted that maybe my light is too big for the box? Doesn’t mean that there is necessarily something wrong with the box but it’s the proverbial round peg square hole. The boxes are for containing and my spirit is more meant for soaring. More deep thoughts….
Integrating this insight is going to help me with my new adventure. As Williamson states “As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.” If I can create enough space, acceptance and love to allow my light to brightly shine then I can bring that light into my life and work to help inspire others to do the same. I share this insight because I believe that all of those that have gone through periods where we continue to do the same thing expecting different results are terrified of accepting that maybe a new path is the answer. This is spoken about in 12 step philosophy with drug and alcohol addiction but I believe it is true for most of us. We do what we do because we do it period….whether we are happy or not. We are often too focused on the proverbial “it is, what it is” and giving up. Instead what might it be like to accept what it is and instead chart a new path for yourself? It takes courage and confronting fears including the biggest one which is often success. The path I am embarking on could change the trajectory of where I have been at drastically. It is quite possible that the change could be instantaneous because passion and love are at the core of the change. Interestingly the passion initially came from frustration and anger which quickly dissipated transforming into love.
What has it been like to sit with your own blocks, frustrations and fears? Do you find that things shift as you sit in the middle of it all? What has helped? For me lately, it’s been taking steps towards the change which keeps momentum and passion alive. There are a lot of steps to take and one will need to be done before the other. For today, I sat down for tea with you all, attempted to work on my website (attempt is the optimal word) and taught some yoga. Hmmm I think that deserves a pat on the back and maybe a little Sex and the City break:)